Chipped nail polish? I am judging you.

Humans have a strange habit of changing the colors of the dead things hanging off of their bodies. And I've got the urge stronger than many. Not only have I dyed my hair, but I also love to paint my nails every other day. One of my biggest pet peeves is chipped nail polish. If I had less self-control, and if travel-sized nail polish remover bottles were available, I would go around and virtually attack those girls with awfully painted nails. And, sadly, it's usually those same girls who are absolutely obsessed with every other aspect of their appearance. Perfect hair, perfect eyes, perfect lip color, perfect eyebrows, perfect color coordination, but GOD those nails!

NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

Granted, I sometimes do find myself without that extra fifteen minutes to fix my nails, but that imprecision never lasts more than a day. So here are some facts, advice, and suggestions for you to make your phalanges fabulous (one of my lists! get excited!):

1) Nail polish helps you to express your creativity in a non-destructive way (that is, until you spill some on a marble surface...take it from me, your momma won't be happy) If you are constantly uniformed, nail polish can relieve some of the feeling of overwhelming conformity. You can be different, even if it's only in a shallow way like neon nails. Suggested colors to stand out: BLACK, ALL-WHITE, NEON, BROWN

2) The ultimate brand of nail polish is OPI. It's a bit pricey, but it covers flawlessly, lasts forever, and has an amazing array of colours to choose from. My favorites? Over the Taupe, Makes Men Blush (what I'm wearing now!), Midnight in Moscow, Sanguine, and the color I desperately want called Black Shatter, a new kind of polish which you paint over another color, and it 'shatters' to reveal a pattern like the one above! [Nail nerd alert: go here http://www.opi.com/ and you can find every OPI color and try it on a virtual hand. GAHH]

3) Four layers for perfect coverage. Base coat, two color coats, and one top coat. (I always cheat on that, never fear...but if it's perfection you want!) And make sure your remover works well, or you will have streaky fingers when it comes time to change colors. And NEVER paint over old polish unless it's a minor touch-up. It looks messy, and after a while the polish soaks into your nails and turns them yellow. Gross. If your bottle ever gets sealed up with dry nail polish (OPI bottles do this. A lot.) boil some water and stick the top of the bottle in for a few seconds, and the top should screw off instantly! (Remember, boiling water is HOT...)

4) Now, tomorrow, look at people's hands. You can tell a lot about a person from the color they have on their nails. Unless, of course, it's me, since I own almost the whole spectrum of the rainbow and beyond and have no fear of strange colors. Here are some examples: 

Black? Goth or very fashion forward (take a cue from her clothes)

Red? Always the best color to turn to when befuddled. Several meanings: businesswoman, theatre chick, whore, passionista.

Pink? If it's bright, then beware the Barbie! If it's pale, expect a shy, feminine piece of innocence (I'm wearing pale pink right now, doncha know ;) )

Orange/yellow? Sunshine! Enthusiasm! Self-confidence!

Coffee (aka 'brown')? My favoriteee! Earthiness, sophistication.

Purple? The grown-up pink. 

Metallic/glitter? Purely for fun. 

3) Pamper your nails! Let them dry all the way, and wear lotion often to keep the cuticles soft (the rest of your hand benefits as well: I have a reputation for very soft hands). To reach that point of pillow-soft downy hands which everyone wants to hold, wear lotion to bed with socks over your hands. I KNOW it sounds dumb. It is, really. But if you're determined to get that second date and/or get really cold hands at night, it's ridiculously effective...

2) Okay. Coordination with clothing. If you are a pastel-wearing person, stay away from metallics! Otherwise, unless you're going to a dance or nice dinner or fancy party (in which case you should find the perfect color to match/clash with your outfit) anything goes! Well, at least in my leg-warmers, rainbow striped tights, ugly sweater and jeggings style book...

1) It's generally better to have someone else paint your nails. But never ask me. You'll end up all gloppy like the brownies I attempted to bake yesterday...However, I have reached the point of enough ambidexterity to paint my own nails rather impeccably. But hey, that's the gift of twelve years of piano. Go to a salon or a friend or a sister. 

P.S. I did gear this post rather towards girls (gosh, do I HAVE female readers???)...but if you're a guy and you love to polish it up, good for you. My little brother gets his nails painted every week by one of his loving older sisters (Buzz Lightyear colors always!)

Remember, painting your nails is the best way to hide grubbiness!