ME > you

I warn you, dear readers, that this post will insult you terribly. It is absolutely intentional.

Number 1
 I say,  "Tell me a story about your life."
You say, "Well, when I was in first grade, my Golden Retriever Jackson caught a squirrel in the backyard...my older brother dared me to touch it, so I-"
Me, interrupting, "HAH. WHEN I WAS IN FIRST GRADE, MY VELOCIRAPTOR CAUGHT A GOLDEN RETRIEVER IN THE BACKYARD. WE ATE IT FOR DINNER."

Number 2
You say, "Hey, let's go see a movie or have dinner sometime!"
I say, "HEY, LET'S GO TO A MIND-READER INSTEAD. I'm sure she'll give you half-off."


Number 3
I say, "Let's meet at the frozen yogurt place at 3:00 tomorrow. Don't be late!"
You say, "Alright!"
I NEVER SHOW UP.


Number 4 
I have a pad of sticky notes. I write "I AM BETTER THAN YOU." on all of them. I put them in your notebooks, on your back, on every sheet of looseleaf I loan to you, on your refrigerator, and of course on the window of your car.

Number 5
You have glasses. Or a pretty bow. Or a breakable sculpture in your hands.
I KNOCK IT/THEM DOWN as you struggle to reassemble your life.

Number 6
You address me, "Hey, what's up?"
I give you the finger
OR
I ask, "WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?"

Number 7
You write a blogpost or a deep, meaningful note.
I troll; I send you an edited copy of your writing (lots of "YOU SUCK" "YOUR MOM SUCKS" and "I hope you didn't PAY your baby brother to write this.")

Number 8
You ask, "Am I fat?"
Silence.
I answer, "WAIT, WASN'T THAT A REDUNDANT QUESTION?"

Number 9
I ask, "Is that a new purse? I have one just like it, only it's REAL."

Number 10
You say, "OMG. I am SO excited for Prom!"
I say, "Save your breath. YOU'LL NEED IT TO BLOW UP YOUR DATE."