IN a few weeks, high schools will kick off that wonderfully wacky tradition called Homecoming.
Why it is called Homecoming escapes my linguistic brain, for rarely do any alumnus show up at the actual football game, and never do any show up to the grind...whoops, I meant 'dance'.
Anyways, many of you manly men are probably wondering WHOM you should ask, HOW you should ask, and WHAT you should do to make that certain girl say yes.
Leave it up to me, mes amis. I. am. the. Homecoming. Helper.
Now, you may be thinking, "How is this stupid blogger qualified to tell me what to do for Homecoming?" If you're still reading this, you just answered your own question. You are probably a confused, pubescent young boy, lovestruck but with less social grace than a worm. BUT AFTER READING THIS, YOU WILL BE A GLOWWORM.
I am qualified because I happen to be a female who would actually appreciates and enjoys when guys profess their undying love to me, no matter whether you're hunky footballer, tall basketballer, cool skateboarder, melodious choir member, nerdy chess club manager, short wrestler, smooth swimmer, brave band member, etc. etc. so on and so forth. Now, granted, professions of undying love come rarely these days, and not only to me. There seems to be more fear circulating nowadays that that girl will turn you down and then go blog about it or post a Facebook message making fun of you or send you nasty texts afterwards. Get over yourself. If she tells you to f#$% off, then seriously, tell her to go douse herself in antifreeze and visit Alaska. See how that works for her.
Honestly, I am all for going back to hippie-times, if only for the free love available from everyone! Seriously, I would support the legalization of certain illegal substances if it got men down on their knees proposing in the hallways of school. I mean, at least that would be worth a good laugh during passing period.
Anyways, we all need love of some sort. So why not start with Homecoming?
1) DO give her flowers or chocolate or something pretty and girly when you ask. I mean, who doesn't want to carry around decomposing pink things all day or gorge themselves on chocolate so they can have an excuse to get a new dress for homecoming!? I mean, I don't, but I'm probably the exception. I gorge myself on chocolate often enough anyways...
2) IF you don't follow step 1, then DO ask her in a creative way. Like bribe a teacher to put an extra question at the end of a scantron: "Suzy Cream-Cheese, will you go to Homecoming with me?" Then she will scream/gasp/faint/throw up/smile/gag and no vocal answer is required! Or, if you are one of those rare males that actually enjoys conversation, just bring it up one day in random conversation. No big deal.
3)IF no other date presents itself, ask a best friend or a complete stranger. A best friend will not judge the color of your tux, and a complete stranger has no idea who the hell you are, so no fear. Just be careful who you pick up off the street, especially in the area surrounding Lynch, cause you don't want to end up with a Bryan Adams' girl...
4)DON'T ask over Facebook, text message, and preferably not a phone call either. Face to face leads to cheek to cheek. Trust me on this. But it doesn't really matter. So, for chrissake, just get it over with.
5)ASK her if she actually wants a stupid mum. Those things weigh more than most girls do, especially if the girl is a freshmen.(I swear, those kids get smaller every year!) Save some money and take her out somewhere really nice. But not an uber-classy place, cause we all know that Homecoming dresses are made to revel in their slittiness, not in their sophistication. When all else fails, go to Chili's (but not if you're in a group with me; I hate Chili's).
6)DON'T invite a freshman if you are a senior, or a senior if you are a freshman. (I'd like to meet the freshman who would do that. Shoot me an email.) Wait for college to bridge age-levels. Right now, try to avoid that evolutionary urge to prey on younger generations.
7)DON'T grind at the dance. Nobody wants to see that. Get a room. Thanks.
8)DO make a note of the color of her dress. This will come in handy if you end up marrying her. Otherwise, you'll be like this couple:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sISWPzEqHLQ
9)DO serenade her. It's every girl's dream. And by that, I mean my dream. And if you can't sing, don't attempt to unless you like getting laughed at.
10) Finally, DON'T take this as the final word on Homecoming. Unless you're planning on asking me. Then you should.
ENJOY!!!
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