Last night, at about one oh clock in the morning, I finished writing a very deep, moving, sentimental reflection on my recent trip to the waterfalls and hills of New York, the caves of Kentucky, and the battlefields of Pennsylvania.
Then, Blogspot decided to shut down and not save any of it.
So, tonight, I decided that I would blog about my greatest fear.
During the last episode of the Glee Project, the subject was 'vulnerability'. There's an Irish guy competing (Damien, my future spouse, fyi), who has had a little difficulty with all the challenges. He's unable to open up. He can't make connections with his competitors, with the music (he's Irish and yet expected to know the latest Katy Perry), or with his own emotions. But in this last episode, he sang an Elvis song, 'Are You Lonesome Tonight.' (Now, despite my close proximity to Graceland next year, I've never been a huge fan. Elvis ended the jazz era, and I've always held that against him.) Damien sang the song, tears obviously forming, and he was saved to compete another week by those self-same tears. He'll get out soon; he doesn't have the right personality to be a star; plus he's already famous in Ireland, so it's all good. But yet, he described himself as 'numb', just going through the motions of life, without those necessary feelings or thoughts that really bring humans closer together. And he was crying about it, how his numbness had ruined the only relationship he had been able to start.
I was the exact same way (probably 'frozen' would be a better word than 'numb', though, my case was pretty serious, man) until this year, when life just kinda snowballed on me, and I had to force myself to feel or else be stuck, forever. So I felt (rather dramatically, if you ask those closest to me at the most intense times). I felt. Then the school year ended and once again, the wall closed up again. The little boy in Denmark stuck his finger in the dam's hole and stopped the flow of water.
I lost touch with people, or made touch but failed to maintain that touch. I tried, for sure, maybe not quite as hard as I could have, but I don't like to seem overbearing or to even put myself at risk for seeming overbearing. Some of them reciprocated the trying, some didn't. So I saw some people and didn't see many others. Obviously, schedules interfered outrageously, vacation, work, family, transportation, the whole drill, and yet, excuses don't always register in the brain and mind. Sometimes they make the situation worse (Why would THAT cancel our plans? Maybe she/he/it really doesn't want to spend time with me...MAYBE NOBODY LIKES ME. MAYBE I'LL NEVER FIND ANYONE. MAYBE ALIENS WILL ATTACK TOMORROW AND I WILL DIE WITHOUT EVER BEING LOVED!!!!) Others that I thought I had bonded with deeply over the past year, I've communicated with, but I honestly have not seen several of them since graduation. And that started up my fear again:
that your connections with people are ultimately shallow, that although your relationships feel congenial at the time, an audit of your life would produce an emotional safety deposit box of low-interest holdings and uninvested windfall profits, which will indicate you were never really at risk of joy, sacrifice or loss.
ajdklfjakldjfaskdf. It's an annoying feeling, knowing that you are loved, but doubting it all the same. What does it mean?
You're human, congratulations!
P.S. I seriously doubt that this is a real word, so don't use it in a Psych paper or anything...You might just give your teacher a really good laugh
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
chaos.
Hmmm I'm multi-tasking to the extreme right now...eating freshly baked chocolate peanut butter chip cookies, reading some short stories on the 'true meaning of loveeee', watching (500) Days of Summer (in French-just as heartbreaking), and contemplating the little things that absolutely wrack chaos on my overworked brain. This world is way too confusing for me. If I didn't love men so much, I'd become a nun in a secluded convent in Switzerland (Why Switzerland? So I wouldn't get too hot wearing the habit, naturally. Also, so that I could eat as much Swiss chocolate as I want, get super fat, and look exactly the same wearing that spectacular habit as I did 50 pounds earlier.)
1. Feather hair extensions.
Feathers? In your hair? And not even as part of a pretty bow or a cool accessory, but for weeks? I fail to see the attraction of this fad. My superpower of choice would be flying, but I don't want to become a bird. They smell, they poop on my car (especially right after I wash it!), and yes, I'm more or less vegetarian, but all the rest of you heathens EAT birds. Putting feathers in your hair is like using Pomeranians as earmuffs, or those stick insects as chopsticks. It's strange. But saying that, I cannot judge hair alterations, as I am fond of the dye bottle myself. But I would freely admit that I might look silly with red hair. Admit that you definitely look silly with feathers in your hair.
2. The fact that politicians are stupid enough to post lewd pictures of themselves on the web/ have open affairs and babies with women other than their beloved spouse/ are more hypocritical than televangelists...AND YET WE STILL VOTE FOR THEM?
3a. How Keanu Reeves became famous.
3b. How the Kardashians became famous.
3c. How Jon and Kate became famous.
3d. How the Biebs became famous.
3e. How Paris Hilton became famous.
3f. How I'm not famous.
4. The purpose of calculus
5. The attraction to the cowboy persona: country music, boots, dirt, hick accents, plaid
6. Why nobody (excepting my family and a few privileged others) enjoys Marx Brothers' movies anymore.
7. The addiction to smoking tobacco. You smell.
8. Russian writers.
9. Insomnia at night, but practical narcolepsy during the day. Perhaps I'm nocturnal?
10. The difficulty people seem to have with their vs. they're vs. there.
11. Stonehenge and crop circles.
12. Fax machines.
13. Parking, particularly parallel.
14. Time zones.
15. North Korea.
16. Why organized religions are so damned complicated. If heaven is really THAT hard to get into, than it probably isn't completely worth it...
17. Google makes a rainbow appear when you google something related to homosexuality...gay, lesbian, LGBT, queer (derogatory?)
18. Video games.
19. Strapless bikini tops. Lady, if you're THAT picky about your tan line, than you might want to consider your purpose in life.
20. Quantum foam.
21. Perfectly serious Facebook statuses that tell your life story. "My boyfriend broke up with me I just ate a cashew I just worked for twelve hours spent an hour and five minutes at the gym fml the guy next to me winked! OMG! I'm fat ugly perfect better than you better than lmao my parents whom I hate with a fiery passion even though they paid for my brand new iPhone a car omfg a college education that I will never take advantage of since I will be hungover everyday and not go to class and did I mention that I named my new fish Fluffy lol?
22. How on earth so many nail parlors stay in business. There's one on every single corner, I swear.
23. WHY DID SHE LET GO OF LEO?
24. The issue so many people have with dating outside their racial groups...
25. War.
26. Decorative zippers.
27. White rappers.
28. Rick Perry's stint as governor.
29. And why it never ends.
30a. And finally, why EVERYTHING seems to be attracted to me.
30b. Except for men.
30c. Sigh.
1. Feather hair extensions.
2. The fact that politicians are stupid enough to post lewd pictures of themselves on the web/ have open affairs and babies with women other than their beloved spouse/ are more hypocritical than televangelists...AND YET WE STILL VOTE FOR THEM?
3a. How Keanu Reeves became famous.
3b. How the Kardashians became famous.
3c. How Jon and Kate became famous.
3d. How the Biebs became famous.
3e. How Paris Hilton became famous.
3f. How I'm not famous.
4. The purpose of calculus
5. The attraction to the cowboy persona: country music, boots, dirt, hick accents, plaid
6. Why nobody (excepting my family and a few privileged others) enjoys Marx Brothers' movies anymore.
7. The addiction to smoking tobacco. You smell.
8. Russian writers.
9. Insomnia at night, but practical narcolepsy during the day. Perhaps I'm nocturnal?
10. The difficulty people seem to have with their vs. they're vs. there.
11. Stonehenge and crop circles.
12. Fax machines.
13. Parking, particularly parallel.
14. Time zones.
15. North Korea.
16. Why organized religions are so damned complicated. If heaven is really THAT hard to get into, than it probably isn't completely worth it...
17. Google makes a rainbow appear when you google something related to homosexuality...gay, lesbian, LGBT, queer (derogatory?)
18. Video games.
19. Strapless bikini tops. Lady, if you're THAT picky about your tan line, than you might want to consider your purpose in life.
20. Quantum foam.
21. Perfectly serious Facebook statuses that tell your life story. "My boyfriend broke up with me I just ate a cashew I just worked for twelve hours spent an hour and five minutes at the gym fml the guy next to me winked! OMG! I'm fat ugly perfect better than you better than lmao my parents whom I hate with a fiery passion even though they paid for my brand new iPhone a car omfg a college education that I will never take advantage of since I will be hungover everyday and not go to class and did I mention that I named my new fish Fluffy lol?
22. How on earth so many nail parlors stay in business. There's one on every single corner, I swear.
23. WHY DID SHE LET GO OF LEO?24. The issue so many people have with dating outside their racial groups...
25. War.
26. Decorative zippers.
27. White rappers.
28. Rick Perry's stint as governor.
29. And why it never ends.
30a. And finally, why EVERYTHING seems to be attracted to me.
30b. Except for men.
30c. Sigh.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Read uh Book.
Summertime. Ella Fitzgerald's heavenly voice floats through my head every morning (*cough* afternoon...) when I wake up, inspiring me to new heights of achievement: cleaning the house, color-coding my closet, alphabetizing my bookshelf, learning guitar or practicing piano, developing a taste for tofu, exploring Dallas before I leave (forever?). Then I step outside, HEATSTROKE!, and step inside or run to the wonderful air-conditioning of my car. Why did I not choose the college in Minnesota again? Too cold? Barmy.
So, summer, as always, becomes a time to experience new things...vicariously through literature!
Here's what has caught my eye during these early days of summer (technically late spring, I suppose...):
1. Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri
I have been incredibly fascinated by Indian culture recently, perhaps because of that viral song "Jai-ho," or maybe because I was Indian-born in my past life (reincarnation is definitely my favorite component of any organized religion today). This is a collection of short stories by the acclaimed Indian-heritaged, English-born, and America-living author of The Namesake. It explores the difficulties faced by families trying to hold on to heritage and tradition, but being influenced by modern Western culture. I've read a few of the stories, one of which brought up the issue of how children, or lack of, can absolutely destroy a marriage, and even the individual person. Another confronted adultery, yet another abandonment. They all incorporate food and religion to a certain extent and truly are poignant.
Appropriate reading time: right before bed
Length: 198 pages
2. Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer
Oh, Jonathan. How I adore his other two novels: Everything is Illuminated (made into a spectacular movie starring little Frodo- the sausage scene and Sammy Davis Jr. Jr. the seeing-eye bitch are unforgettable) and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (one of those visually stunning books). This is in a bit different vein, seeing as it is non-fiction and basically a book which vegetarians love and everyone else ignores. It turned Natalie Portman into a die-hard vegan, and yet the first chapter opens with Foer reminiscing about his grandmother's chicken stew, and how important food traditions are to development. Perhaps it will inspire me to keep up my vegi/flexitarianism-ish lifestyle in college, perhaps not. I just look forward to reading more of this wonderful wordsmith.
Appropriate reading time: before meals if you are trying to lose weight. Otherwise, read when in a wordy, non-fiction sort of mood.
Length: 352 pages
3. The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie
I looked at the title..and my rebellious teenage raised-Catholic spirit said, "YES!" It is purely coincidence, I say, that the book stars two men from Bombay, and that the first line directly references reincarnation. Aaah, coincidence?, you say. Perhaps this book will clarify the difference between coincidence and fate. Perhaps the "metamorphoses, dreams, and revelations" which occur to these men will occur to me? It's gotten a bit of a hostile reaction from Muslims, even warranting a fatwā and many burnings. However, that serves to make it appear even more fascinating. This one might be skipping up a few places on the list, so I can read it and be enlightened sooner...
Appropriate reading time: after yoga
Length: 547 pages
4. Middlemarch by George Eliot
Mmmm. Victorian literature. My very favorite. And, when written by that genius of English literature, George Eliot, this particular piece of literature, touted by some to be the greatest English novel ever written, is a must-read. George Eliot is the penname of Mary Anne Evans, a controversial figure who lived with a married man for twenty years (have no fear, his wife was aware of this 'open marriage,' for she had had two children with another man). I have read Silas Marner, a vaguely fairy-tale like story, and was incredibly impressed by Eliot's writing style, which was not weighted down as much as say, Henry James' style, by dalliances to architecture and mysticism. I know absolutely nothing about the plot, though, so this should be a good surprise!
Appropriate reading times: at a coffee-shop, when trying to appear smart and attract suitable mates
Length: 904 pages (a bit of a heavyweight...but then again, most instruction manuals average about that length nowadays.)
5. The Autograph Man by Zadie Smith
Zadie Smith is one of those authors who somehow blends intellectualism, beautiful words, one-liners, realism, sex, religion, race, and true humor all into one. Her other novels, White Teeth and On Beauty are re-readable, an achievement which truly qualifies them as gold in my book [to date, I've only reread comic books (the badass 1950 Superman ones!), Nancy Drew, and Chaim Potok novels]. This one...has gotten mehh reviews. Zadie admits to having writer's block while writing it (writer's block only once out of three books? She's a goddess.) Somehow, the book features a Jewish Chinese-American man (a rare combination, I believe) who, surprise!, sells autographs for a living. Zadie Smith is never a boring writer, so this probably qualifies as more of a quick-read than any of the above. I recommend checking out her other books first, though. They might just change your perceptions a bit.
Appropriate reading times: tanning, airplane trips
Length: 432 pages
In college, I don't anticipate getting as much free reading time, especially as I am probably heading toward an English major, which requires just a bit of reading. So, this is cram time for me. Finish off all those books that I never got around to opening. Let's see how far I get....
So, summer, as always, becomes a time to experience new things...vicariously through literature!
Here's what has caught my eye during these early days of summer (technically late spring, I suppose...):
1. Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa LahiriI have been incredibly fascinated by Indian culture recently, perhaps because of that viral song "Jai-ho," or maybe because I was Indian-born in my past life (reincarnation is definitely my favorite component of any organized religion today). This is a collection of short stories by the acclaimed Indian-heritaged, English-born, and America-living author of The Namesake. It explores the difficulties faced by families trying to hold on to heritage and tradition, but being influenced by modern Western culture. I've read a few of the stories, one of which brought up the issue of how children, or lack of, can absolutely destroy a marriage, and even the individual person. Another confronted adultery, yet another abandonment. They all incorporate food and religion to a certain extent and truly are poignant.
Appropriate reading time: right before bed
Length: 198 pages
Oh, Jonathan. How I adore his other two novels: Everything is Illuminated (made into a spectacular movie starring little Frodo- the sausage scene and Sammy Davis Jr. Jr. the seeing-eye bitch are unforgettable) and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (one of those visually stunning books). This is in a bit different vein, seeing as it is non-fiction and basically a book which vegetarians love and everyone else ignores. It turned Natalie Portman into a die-hard vegan, and yet the first chapter opens with Foer reminiscing about his grandmother's chicken stew, and how important food traditions are to development. Perhaps it will inspire me to keep up my vegi/flexitarianism-ish lifestyle in college, perhaps not. I just look forward to reading more of this wonderful wordsmith.
Appropriate reading time: before meals if you are trying to lose weight. Otherwise, read when in a wordy, non-fiction sort of mood.
Length: 352 pages
I looked at the title..and my rebellious teenage raised-Catholic spirit said, "YES!" It is purely coincidence, I say, that the book stars two men from Bombay, and that the first line directly references reincarnation. Aaah, coincidence?, you say. Perhaps this book will clarify the difference between coincidence and fate. Perhaps the "metamorphoses, dreams, and revelations" which occur to these men will occur to me? It's gotten a bit of a hostile reaction from Muslims, even warranting a fatwā and many burnings. However, that serves to make it appear even more fascinating. This one might be skipping up a few places on the list, so I can read it and be enlightened sooner...
Appropriate reading time: after yoga
Length: 547 pages
Mmmm. Victorian literature. My very favorite. And, when written by that genius of English literature, George Eliot, this particular piece of literature, touted by some to be the greatest English novel ever written, is a must-read. George Eliot is the penname of Mary Anne Evans, a controversial figure who lived with a married man for twenty years (have no fear, his wife was aware of this 'open marriage,' for she had had two children with another man). I have read Silas Marner, a vaguely fairy-tale like story, and was incredibly impressed by Eliot's writing style, which was not weighted down as much as say, Henry James' style, by dalliances to architecture and mysticism. I know absolutely nothing about the plot, though, so this should be a good surprise!
Appropriate reading times: at a coffee-shop, when trying to appear smart and attract suitable mates
Length: 904 pages (a bit of a heavyweight...but then again, most instruction manuals average about that length nowadays.)
5. The Autograph Man by Zadie Smith
\Zadie Smith is one of those authors who somehow blends intellectualism, beautiful words, one-liners, realism, sex, religion, race, and true humor all into one. Her other novels, White Teeth and On Beauty are re-readable, an achievement which truly qualifies them as gold in my book [to date, I've only reread comic books (the badass 1950 Superman ones!), Nancy Drew, and Chaim Potok novels]. This one...has gotten mehh reviews. Zadie admits to having writer's block while writing it (writer's block only once out of three books? She's a goddess.) Somehow, the book features a Jewish Chinese-American man (a rare combination, I believe) who, surprise!, sells autographs for a living. Zadie Smith is never a boring writer, so this probably qualifies as more of a quick-read than any of the above. I recommend checking out her other books first, though. They might just change your perceptions a bit.
Appropriate reading times: tanning, airplane trips
Length: 432 pages
In college, I don't anticipate getting as much free reading time, especially as I am probably heading toward an English major, which requires just a bit of reading. So, this is cram time for me. Finish off all those books that I never got around to opening. Let's see how far I get....
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