Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Piñata

The candy falls out of the broken Dora the Explorer piñata and the exuberant children push and shove to get to it first. The proud parents look on, viewing the savagery with pleasure, each thinking of their child as the next Babe Ruth or Muhammad Ali.

However, one little girl stands on the sidelines, tears rolling down her face. Her mother and best friend rush over, simultaneously offering the girl Kleenexes, pawfuls of candy, and questions.

“What’s wrong?”
“You want some candy?”
“Is it time to go home?”

The girl nods at the last question and wordlessly follows her mother who apologizes and thanks the host. The girl, with a dripping tissue, sops up the tears still falling freely. The other children stare at her as she and her mother leave.

As they drive home, the mother peppers her daughter with questions, receiving silence and muffled sobs in return. The anxious mother phones the doctor and the girl’s father, who both tell the mother to relax. For the rest of the day, the girl cradles her dolls and stuffed giraffe, soaking their cloth bodies with tears. The mother, seeking to consol her baby, offers her chocolate and other sweets, which are all refused.

Finally, during dinner, the girl breaks down completely. Puzzled and close to hysteria herself, the mother picks up her daughter and nearly screams, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

To this the little girl replies, “Mommy, didn’t the dolly have a heart? Didn’t we break the dolly’s heart?”

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Don't be Blue on Black and White Day: Tips for Homecoming


IN a few weeks, high schools will kick off that wonderfully wacky tradition called Homecoming.
Why it is called Homecoming escapes my linguistic brain, for rarely do any alumnus show up at the actual football game, and never do any show up to the grind...whoops, I meant 'dance'.
Anyways, many of you manly men are probably wondering WHOM you should ask, HOW you should ask, and WHAT you should do to make that certain girl say yes.

Leave it up to me, mes amis. I. am. the. Homecoming. Helper.

Now, you may be thinking, "How is this stupid blogger qualified to tell me what to do for Homecoming?" If you're still reading this, you just answered your own question. You are probably a confused, pubescent young boy, lovestruck but with less social grace than a worm. BUT AFTER READING THIS, YOU WILL BE A GLOWWORM.

I am qualified because I happen to be a female who would actually appreciates and enjoys when guys profess their undying love to me, no matter whether you're hunky footballer, tall basketballer, cool skateboarder, melodious choir member, nerdy chess club manager, short wrestler, smooth swimmer, brave band member, etc. etc. so on and so forth. Now, granted, professions of undying love come rarely these days, and not only to me. There seems to be more fear circulating nowadays that that girl will turn you down and then go blog about it or post a Facebook message making fun of you or send you nasty texts afterwards. Get over yourself. If she tells you to f#$% off, then seriously, tell her to go douse herself in antifreeze and visit Alaska. See how that works for her.
Honestly, I am all for going back to hippie-times, if only for the free love available from everyone! Seriously, I would support the legalization of certain illegal substances if it got men down on their knees proposing in the hallways of school. I mean, at least that would be worth a good laugh during passing period.

Anyways, we all need love of some sort. So why not start with Homecoming?
1) DO give her flowers or chocolate or something pretty and girly when you ask. I mean, who doesn't want to carry around decomposing pink things all day or gorge themselves on chocolate so they can have an excuse to get a new dress for homecoming!? I mean, I don't, but I'm probably the exception. I gorge myself on chocolate often enough anyways...

2) IF you don't follow step 1, then DO ask her in a creative way. Like bribe a teacher to put an extra question at the end of a scantron: "Suzy Cream-Cheese, will you go to Homecoming with me?" Then she will scream/gasp/faint/throw up/smile/gag and no vocal answer is required! Or, if you are one of those rare males that actually enjoys conversation, just bring it up one day in random conversation. No big deal.

3)IF no other date presents itself, ask a best friend or a complete stranger. A best friend will not judge the color of your tux, and a complete stranger has no idea who the hell you are, so no fear. Just be careful who you pick up off the street, especially in the area surrounding Lynch, cause you don't want to end up with a Bryan Adams' girl...

4)DON'T ask over Facebook, text message, and preferably not a phone call either. Face to face leads to cheek to cheek. Trust me on this. But it doesn't really matter. So, for chrissake, just get it over with.

5)ASK her if she actually wants a stupid mum. Those things weigh more than most girls do, especially if the girl is a freshmen.(I swear, those kids get smaller every year!) Save some money and take her out somewhere really nice. But not an uber-classy place, cause we all know that Homecoming dresses are made to revel in their slittiness, not in their sophistication. When all else fails, go to Chili's (but not if you're in a group with me; I hate Chili's).

6)DON'T invite a freshman if you are a senior, or a senior if you are a freshman. (I'd like to meet the freshman who would do that. Shoot me an email.) Wait for college to bridge age-levels. Right now, try to avoid that evolutionary urge to prey on younger generations.

7)DON'T grind at the dance. Nobody wants to see that. Get a room. Thanks.

8)DO make a note of the color of her dress. This will come in handy if you end up marrying her. Otherwise, you'll be like this couple:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sISWPzEqHLQ

9)DO serenade her. It's every girl's dream. And by that, I mean my dream. And if you can't sing, don't attempt to unless you like getting laughed at.

10) Finally, DON'T take this as the final word on Homecoming. Unless you're planning on asking me. Then you should.

ENJOY!!!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

The Morality of Disgust

This past Sunday, in the Dallas Morning News Points section, Drake Bennett wrote an insightful and intriguing article about human nature and disgust: is it present from birth? or do we learn to abhor certain people, places, and things? is it based on our moral values? or are we too judgmental?

Try this: Would you rather drink a glass of water into which a sterilized cockroach has been dropped, eat a piece of chocolate fudge shaped like a dog turd, or wear a freshly-washed sweater which was previously worn by Adolf Hitler?

None of the above? You're normal.

Nothing is innately wrong with any of the above three situations. None of them are morally wrong. None of them carry any danger. And yet most people would reject every single one.

Of course, there are the oft-quoted observations - people who wash their hands feel less guilt, judging in an ugly or smelly room make judges harsher, stronger verbs or adjectives turn people off (take vs. borrow, always vs. sometimes), and more.

There is no escape from chronic gullibility. We are all subject to it. But be encouraged. In the article, Bennett brings up a situation of 50 years ago, when many white people were 'disgusted' if they thought of drinking from a water fountain reserved for black people. Today, you will be hard-pressed to find half as many, or even a quarter as many people who would even care.

So, the next time you feel superior or stick out your tongue or hold your nose for a harmless situation, think about why. Good luck finding a reason.